The things I wish I could say to you...

...otherwise known as what I wish you already knew.

We talk. You tell me things. Things I already know. Things I don't know. Things I thought were in the past. And then just as quickly as it's on the table, it's back in the closet. Where it's been for most of the last 10 years. 10 years. I can't believe it, but then I do. I do. Because this is how it goes.

Talking of other people, of other times, but not us. Never us. You know, it's not something we've actually talk about. Not once. It's been thought about, hinted about, even emailed about. But never once have we actually talked about it. And maybe, just maybe, things would be a hell of a lot different if we had.

We wouldn't be where we are right now that's for damn sure.

And I wonder if you even realize this. That we haven't really talked about it. That you haven't given me the chance to let you know what I think. What I feel. What I want. You think you know. You always do. But not everyone is right all the time you know. Think about it.

It's complicated sure. But these were your choices, your decisions. You, not me. You made them and you have to live with them.

And now here we are. 10 years later. And where are we? No further than we were back then. Except I'm where I am and you're where you are. And it's not the same place at all. Except it could be. You had a chance, you always had a chance. But you chose to believe I felt nothing. And now? It's too late. Too late for me to tell you anything. About how angry I am that you didn't give us a chance. That you say you know what you want, what you truly want, but you won't come and get it. It's not fair. To me, to you, to us.

And that's the part that bothers me most. We have probably lost out on the chance to try. To see where things could go. What we could do, be. Would it work? This I know not. But I do know that without a chance, we've failed anyways.

And so here it is, the things I wish I could say to you.

P.S. - Somehow, no matter what happens, I think I'm the one that's going to look bad. It's not a happy spot to be in that's for sure.

UPDATE:

I have realized that you are not bringing anything worthwhile to my life. You can't even talk to me without 'liquid courage' and when I bring it up you lie about it. I deserve better than this. And so I'm done. I'm done waiting for you. I'm done being there for you. I'm done with the drunken phone calls and online chats. I'm done in a friendship-ending kinda way. Good luck with things, I'm pretty sure you're going to need it.

Seven Steps to Rescuing Romance

I saw this online somewhere, but can't remember where so I can't give the proper credit. But I really think each of these points hold a lot of truth and value and so I wanted to post this anyway.

Try one every day of the week, focus on one at a time, do whatever you like with them — but do take them all to heart.

1. Find Out What You Want
Are you meeting your partner's needs? Are your needs being met? What are they? After you know partner's needs, if you find yourselves still frustrated, realize that it's not that you can't meet your partner's needs, it's that you won't. Think about why you haven't yet.

2. Respect Your Partner
It shouldn't matter why your partner needs what he or she needs. Consider Dr. Phil's example: If one of your kids got up in the middle of the night and said, "I'm thirsty," would you just turn around and say, "Well, I'm not, so go back to bed"? The key is to appreciate your partner's individuality. Don't expect your partner to react exactly as you would; your partner isn't you!

3. What Message Do You Send?
Think about the message you are sending your partner when you don't acknowledge his or her wants. How does this make your partner feel? How would it make you feel?

4. Compromise
Know that you can fulfill your partner's wants. But by prioritizing your needs alone, you're making the conscious decision to not to fulfil his or her wants. Try talking about both of your needs and wants. Find the middle ground.

5. Don't Forget Romance
Keep in mind that romance is an important element of marriage. Your partner might consider romance as the true measure of his or her value to your relationship. Be thoughtful and try doing something sweet for no apparent reason.

6. Remember the 4-minute rule
You can predict the rest of the night based on the first 4 minutes, so make those minutes count! Bring flowers. Greet each other with a compliment. Ask questions about your partner's day. Smile; it'll make a difference.

7. Open Up
Be communicative and expressive with your partner. Remember, sharing emotions is not weakness; it makes you whole.

5 years is a long, long time.

So it's been 5 years since Kenny and I packed up our lives and made the long, long drive across Canada to Vancouver. I think it's safe to say for both of us that it was a very good decision to move here. I've been at my job for almost 5 years now. I've lived in my current apartment for I think almost 4 years. Time sure flies when you're having fun.

As I've found out, it takes a while to create a new life in a new place. It's not so easy to make friends once you're out of school. It's harder to break into a new group of friends that have known each other their whole life. You have to find new things to do in new places with new people. I'm happy to say that things appear to be falling into place for me. I'm making friends, good friends. Through dragon boat I've met new people and I'm learning to enjoy exercise. Living alone is good for the soul. I'm taking care of me and learning about me and figuring out what makes me happy. It's quite the process you know.

Things aren't perfect, that's for sure. But at the end of the day, I'm happy. I've got things to work on, but I look back and can see how far I've come. And you know what? That's a pretty awesome feeling.

I'm back, for how long to be determined...

So it appears I've abandoned my blog for quite some time. No worries, I can catch you up quite quickly...

My eyes are doing quite well, though Lefty is still lagging behind in the healing process. Not enough to be worried, but I'm to go back in December for another check up. I have a little pain now and then, but mostly when I notice they are dry and/or I haven't been hydrating enough.

I had joined a choir in January which rehearsed once a week. We had our season end concert in June. While it was fun and I made some new friends, I shall pass on joining again in September.

I also joined a dragon boating team in January. The practices began in February, twice a week rain or shine. And it's mostly rain in February in Vancouver! I'm gaining new muscles, new friends and a new respect for teamwork. We've entered in some races and done quite well, from my point of view. I shall be returning next season as there are too many benefits to count.

Work is work. Same old, same old there.

Still lovin' my 'hood. It's a great area with a lot of new stores opening and a transit line to open on Monday. I'll be able to get both downtown and to work via this new line which is awesome.

I'm afraid that is all I have to say for now as it's been a bit of a rough night.

18 days post-op

So it's now been over 2 weeks since my laser eye surgery. I can see quite well for mid distances. Close up and far away is getting better though. On Friday I noticed a big difference. I could read street signs on the bus ride to work. At work the computer screen was much clearer. This all after just 2 weeks. Pretty amazing in my books.

At the last check up things were still healing well. My next appt is Feb 5th. It will be almost a month from my surgery. Update to follow then.

I'm still marveling at all the things I can see now. Also, still trying to adjust the glasses that are no longer there. Went to remove them before bed the other night. Old habits die hard I guess.

Seeing is believing!

Well, it's now 4 full days since I had lasers shot into my eyes.

My vision has changed a little over the past few days, from good to blurry and then getting better again. I'm now able to go on the computer for short periods of time (obviously since I'm posting this) and can watch TV too. I slept quite a bit the first few days but now I'm back to normal pretty much. My first appointment was good, all was healing well. My next one is Tuesday where they (hopefully) will take out the bandage contacts I'm currently wearing.

Although it's not as good as with glasses before it's much better than without. I can see the alarm clock. Building signs. In the shower. And I know that it's going to get better with time.

I've heard it before but it really is true. It's amazing and I can't believe I didn't do it sooner.

Today is the day.

Yes the day I've been both dreading and hoping I could fast forward to is here. Laser eye surgery day. I am excited, but I'm nervous too.

I've worn glasses since I was 10 so it'll be quite the change. A good change, but a change nonetheless.

I'll post a little more later once I'm able to see enough to play on the computer.

Send some happy thoughts my way!