The things I wish I could say to you...

...otherwise known as what I wish you already knew.

We talk. You tell me things. Things I already know. Things I don't know. Things I thought were in the past. And then just as quickly as it's on the table, it's back in the closet. Where it's been for most of the last 10 years. 10 years. I can't believe it, but then I do. I do. Because this is how it goes.

Talking of other people, of other times, but not us. Never us. You know, it's not something we've actually talk about. Not once. It's been thought about, hinted about, even emailed about. But never once have we actually talked about it. And maybe, just maybe, things would be a hell of a lot different if we had.

We wouldn't be where we are right now that's for damn sure.

And I wonder if you even realize this. That we haven't really talked about it. That you haven't given me the chance to let you know what I think. What I feel. What I want. You think you know. You always do. But not everyone is right all the time you know. Think about it.

It's complicated sure. But these were your choices, your decisions. You, not me. You made them and you have to live with them.

And now here we are. 10 years later. And where are we? No further than we were back then. Except I'm where I am and you're where you are. And it's not the same place at all. Except it could be. You had a chance, you always had a chance. But you chose to believe I felt nothing. And now? It's too late. Too late for me to tell you anything. About how angry I am that you didn't give us a chance. That you say you know what you want, what you truly want, but you won't come and get it. It's not fair. To me, to you, to us.

And that's the part that bothers me most. We have probably lost out on the chance to try. To see where things could go. What we could do, be. Would it work? This I know not. But I do know that without a chance, we've failed anyways.

And so here it is, the things I wish I could say to you.

P.S. - Somehow, no matter what happens, I think I'm the one that's going to look bad. It's not a happy spot to be in that's for sure.

UPDATE:

I have realized that you are not bringing anything worthwhile to my life. You can't even talk to me without 'liquid courage' and when I bring it up you lie about it. I deserve better than this. And so I'm done. I'm done waiting for you. I'm done being there for you. I'm done with the drunken phone calls and online chats. I'm done in a friendship-ending kinda way. Good luck with things, I'm pretty sure you're going to need it.